Q: When will you cease to have conflict in your life?

A: When you die.

This was my introduction to Responding to Conflict: Strategies for Improved Communication, an excellent training course I recently attended through the Canadian Management Centre. The course was designed to help participants identify the underlying causes of, and ways to appropriately respond to, conflict. Because, like it or not, human beings will always find themselves in conflict.

Many of us have come to see conflict as at best a necessary evil, and at worst something to be avoided at all costs. Yet many conflicts result in positive outcomes.

It’s important to realize that the underlying cause of a conflict is often brought about through misunderstanding. Here is an example:

You asked a colleague to work with you on a project and each time you ask for help with a specific task, they are unavailable. You feel that they are avoiding the work and decide to have it out with them.  As it happens, your co-worker would really like to assist, but you always seem to ask for help at the last minute. Their schedule is packed and request that you give at least a couple days’ notice.

While this is a very simple example, it illustrates how misunderstandings and assumptions can lead to conflict. Of course, most conflict situations arise from more complex circumstances, but the point is not so much the severity of a conflict, rather how we deal with it.

A key message of the course was the importance of responding to conflict rather than reacting to it. In other words, don’t let your emotions get the best of you in a conflict situation. To that end, we learned about a conflict resolution model with the cute acronym P-U-R-R.

Pause – to reign in your feelings and gather self-awareness

Understand – your goal, the other party’s feelings, needs and concerns

Regulate – your thoughts, words, behaviours based upon choices

Respond – appropriately and adjust for results

In layman’s terms, take a deep breath, listen, think before you speak and be flexible.

The model itself is only a framework. We were also taught five conflict strategies, each different from the others, yet all appropriate to use in diverse situations. We learned that although everyone naturally gravitates to one or two of the strategies, we should be familiar with all of them. The 5 conflict strategies are:

1.    Integrating: This is the most effective in terms of satisfying both parties’ goals. The Integrating strategy is also known as problem-solving or collaboration because a conflict is viewed as a joint problem.  The strategy also promotes long-term relationship building.

When is Integrating Appropriate?

Integrating is appropriate in most conflict situations, especially when parties must work together in the future.  It sets a positive tone for future interactions. However, since Integrating is the most difficult and time-consuming strategy, it might not be used if an expedient resolution is required.

2.    Compromising: Not to be mistaken for the Integrating strategy, Compromising results in both parties gaining AND losing something. The focus is less on achieving common ground and more about minimizing individual losses. It is a short-term solution.

When is Compromising Appropriate?

Compromising is most effective when both parties are having difficulty moving forward. Although ultimately not as effective as Integrating, a compromise situation where each side gains a little might be enough to keep the parties involved.

3.    Competing: This strategy results in winners and losers. Even if one party becomes the ultimate winner, the relationship will most likely be damaged. This may not be a good strategy for people who have to interact on a regular basis.

When is Competing Appropriate?

Competing is rarely productive in the long-term. However, if a short-term solution is needed, competing may be useful. Common examples of healthy competition are found in sports and when colleagues are vying for the same job.

4.    Smoothing: While the Smoothing strategy also results in winners and losers, the loser usually chooses his or her fate for the sake of maintaining harmony. While this may prove to be a workable short-term solution, the person who gives up their goals may harbour resentment. More importantly, the underlying conflict still exists.

When is Smoothing Appropriate?

Giving in on one issue may be the correct strategy when you are working toward a longer-term goal. Smoothing may also be effective when the issue is of much greater importance to the other party than it is to you.

5.    Avoiding: This strategy usually results in neither party’s goals being met. The conflict remains and is neither discussed nor resolved.

When is Avoiding Appropriate?

If a conflict is trivial, or can be reasonably expected to work itself out over time, it may be best to simply leave it alone. Sometimes avoidance can prevent the escalation of a conflict into something even worse. Some conflicts are fundamentally unresolvable, stemming from different personal values.

Like so many things in life, conflict resolution boils down primarily to one thing: communication. Whether you are dealing with colleagues, residents, government officials, contractors or anyone for that matter, the quality of your communication will set the tone for all of your interactions.